In a draft that features 1,238 picks, there are bound to be some amazing names, and this one has its fair share. I'm sure I missed some, so feel free to hit us up on Twitter and let me know your favorites. I used MLB.com's Draft Tracker to find names; as we get to know these guys better, we'll learn about nicknames that provide more fodder for the list. In the meantime, their real names are funny enough.
And for you parents out there who are Googling your just-drafted sons -- I know you're out there. Please, don't be offended. If anything, I think you've done the world a kindness. Where would baseball be without great names like Urban Shocker and Coco Crisp and Ugly Dickshot and Wonderful Monds? (And yes, those are all real.) And if nothing else, your kid plays baseball really, really well, and I'm just a writer. Your genes are superior to mine. You've won.
Jermyll J. "Jamie" Jarmon, Rangers, Round 2: Alliteration's acceptable, although ...
Damien Magnifico, Brewers, Round 5. He's going to be great. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Kyle Barraclough, Cardinals, Round 7. To pronounce his name, say "bear claw" while eating one.
Jamodrick McGruder, Mariners, Round 9. "Jamodrick" and "McGruder" combine about as effortlessly as sriracha and butterscotch.
Zebulon Sneed, Royals, Round 11. This is the sort of pitcher who'd, like, hypnotize a batter by refracting laser beams off the surface of Mars.
Max Foody, Cardinals, Round 12. Max does not shop at Save-a-Lot.
Phildrick Llewellyn, Diamondbacks, Round 13. Yes. Really.
Buck Farmer, Brewers, Round 15. But YOU DON'T FARM BUCKS. Buck Hunter would have made a lot more sense, but I guess changing your last name is pretty hard, what with all the paperwork and stuff, and "Corn Farmer" just didn't have the same ring. (Hat tip.)
Will Hurt, Twins, Round 16. It's a shame this kid is going to be a baseball player. Cosmically, he really ought to be a dentist. Or a boxer. Josh Outman. Bob Walk. Grant Balfour. Homer Bush. Those are baseball players.
Yogey Perez-Ramos, Diamondbacks, Round 17. It's about time baseball had another Yogi. Or Yogey.
Brock Dykxhoorn, Reds, Round 20. Admit it. You laughed.
D.J. Driggers, Tigers, Round 22. "Driggers" isn't a particularly funny name until you put "D.J." in front of it. Inspired choice, Mom and Dad!
Lance Breedlove, Pirates, Round 23. Remember when that kid in Superbad had to make up a name to put on his fake I.D., and he chose "McLovin"? "Lance Breedlove" was his second choice.
Storm Throne, White Sox, Round 25. You just know this guy's parents were sci-fi/fantasy fanatics. I say this kid hasn't accomplished anything until he has a fan club that wears cloaks. STORM THRONE! YOU CANNOT CAPTURE THE ORB UNTIL YOU CONQUER THE STORM THRONE!
Skye Bolt, Nationals, Round 26. Call him the Human Rain Delay. Incidentally, my girlfriend thinks she had a My Little Pony doll called Skye Bolt.
Goose Kallunki, Padres, Round 27. The name "Goose" doesn't work so well without a last name that also begins with G, but at least this guy is headed to the right organization.
Sly Edwards, Cubs, Round 36. Just a classic baseball name.
Zarley Zalewski, Pirates, Round 40. Yes, his parents are Pittsburgh Penguins fans.